The Summer of Kulfi

It’s summer and daily kulfi is a must but have you noticed how these kulfi wallay have strategically placed their stands and carts to exploit our weakness for kulfi for more sales. I mean the time you finish one, which leaves you wanting for more, there is another cart right in front of you. What amazes me is how even if you are walking or driving, they know where your kulfi will finish? This must have been possibly only after extensive research involving the melting speed of a kulfi in summers and the average walking and driving distance one can cover in that time. This research presumably is the basic of rairi-wali-kulfi taking over. They may have beaten others in accessibility but nothing beats the taste of original Yummy’s Shahi Kulfi that used to come in smaller white wooden boxed-shaped icecream carts. That was the original kulfi that we all have grown to love and we had so many over the years that it is kinda part of our DNA now. After school, a summer day was incomplete without that shahi kulfi. It triggers all the right taste buds in your mouth and who can blame it, its shahi kulfi, it has to be good. Have it been awami kulfi we would have let it slide. Anyway a month ago a shop opened not far from our place and they have all the best and widest variety of kulfis and yes that includes the glorious shahi kulfi. Heck it is right at the spot van drops me on the way home from uni. So basically there is no fighting it, they have found my kryptonite. It wouldn’t surprise me if this summer turns into the summer of kulfi for me, like lassi last year, and to that I say bring it on. Laters 🙂

The cockroach who lived

Summer 2015, I was showering when something brushed against my toe. My eyes shifted instantly to find a cockroach running for his life. Contrary to what some people I know may think, I do not fear cockroaches. I find one, I kill one. That time however I was so disgusted by it and my skin was doing that think it does when something creepy touches you and I could not squash that hit and run convict in time. He got away. I am saying he although it could be a she, but I don’t want the first non-mehrum brushing against my toe be a cockroach so. Anyway, after that day he remained in the shadows, never to return to the surface. But I know the little thing.  He looked like one planny sicko. Bet he touched my toe on purpose. So he married soon after and had a lot of children. Then his children had even more children and he soon found himself telling hundreds of his grand children about our encounter. Of course he would have boasted, he was just like that, telling them how he battled with me as I threw chappals at him and tried to kill him with a broom but he got away due to his speed and bravery. Now there, right there is a generation of cockroaches who’s minds are filled with visions of grandeur.  As two years have passed, God knows how many generations of cockroaches would have heard this story by now and what area will his generations would have spread. Probably a whole lot of Pindi but also Lahore because some could have married outside the family. Because why not. That lying scum will be a legend by now and this summer generation of cockroaches will be dreaming of one day brushing against a human’s toe and living to tell the tale. I probably should have killed him. But what’s done is done. Just beware of your toes the next time you hop into shower, specially if you live in Pindi or nearby. Laters 🙂

Double Standards

They expect us to follow in our assignments every schematic detail they can. Font size 11, double spacing, Times New Roman, titles bold, pages marked, margins drawn, word count and everything they can come up with, while year after year they teach from the same ppt slides, never caring to even align some text, let alone make them aesthetically appealing or other things like following a built-in theme for once and sticking with it for at least a few slides. Its like each slide is its own abstract art of different colored boxes and text/equations floating around in free space. Four years. Four years I have been in this God forsaken place and not one teacher has ever presented from a properly arranged slide. I can’t study from these without going thought emotional torment. So I align them before I start and it only takes a few minutes. Will it kill them to do it on their own? For the future of mankind I can give them my edited versions but the question is how to do it without saying, ‘your presentations suck. Here take mine instead.’ This is hopeless. Laters 🙂

Spring Collections

There must be an issue with the multiverse. Mahira Khan was not supposed to be considered a good actor by any standards of the infinite universes. Yet here she is pretending to be a super star, popping up in every pointless TVC ever. “Kapray humaray liay kia kuch kartay hain, hum inn k liay kia kartay hain?” Kill me if this isn’t lame. All she can do is make a cry face without actually crying, that she’s been doing since Humsafar. If this is good acting then Pakistani dramas are overflowing with it. Anyway taking today about these kapray that do so much for us. On my way uni I’ve been counting billboards for a couple of days (because I am cool like that) and here’s the ad situation from Saddar to Defense Gate 3.

Amazon Mall-5, GulAhmed-4, Firdous-4, Khaadi-4, Ethnic (Outfitters)-4, Nishat-4, J.-3, AlKaram-3, Stylo Shoes-3, Sana Safinaz-2, Bonanza-2, Zara’s (Ittehad) -1, Maria.B-1, Servis-1

I may have missed a few but notice a pattern here. The clothing brands have taken over the billboard game with their spring collections. Every brands wants more eyes on their ad while trying to balance the count with their competitors if not top it. I have not seen a billboard war so fierce since the Paint ad wars of 2014. Allah save Pindi. First the schools and beauty parlors, and now boutiques are opening in every corner. (No rhyme intended) If monsoon does not flood this city first, these ads will. Or may be I am over reacting.

BTW what’s with this new brand, Muzlim? More like Mulzim…get it? Sigh. God I am funny. Tears. Laters 🙂

Saturdays I tell you

Today’s Saturday was a working day and I already hate Sundays so basically weekend ruined. Only thing vaguely interesting that happened today was this. We were making assignment in class when a friend asked: humm 3:30. kya time hai tumaray pas?
Me: aah. (take out phone) 3:30 hee hai
X: nai, I mean time hai tumaray pas?
Me: gharee? Nai
X: Nai, time. Time hai tumaray pas?
Me: kia? keh jo raha hu nai hai
X: farig time. Fee ho?
Me: abi tak tou free tha
So this is why kids they tell you not to go school on a Saturday. Later 🙂

Metro bus and trust issues

I live not far from Saddar, the starting point of twin cities Metro bus route, but have been in one only thrice in its more than one year. I feel almost guilty. I may not be the person who understand it enough to write about it but I think I have a better understanding of its people. If a regular metro-user (metro goer? metro rider?) has trust issues, I understand. When a voice constantly keeps telling you to be beware of pickpockets, you are likely to get paranoid. There were at least five people around me who turned into potential pickpockets right before my eyes. I had my hands in my trousers pockets, one holding the phone and other my wallet and a chocolate bar. The bar melted but it tasted just fine so I will take this win.

More on the metro experience later. Take care and remember to be beware of the pickpockets. Later 🙂

Pakistani Slim Shady

(WorldCup announcer): May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real test champ please stand up?
I repeat, will the real test champ please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here..

Y’all act like you never seen a *pretty girl before
Jaws all on the floor like Mano and Salu just burst in the door
It’s the return of the…(Gul Panra) “Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
He didn’t just say what I think he did, did he?”
And Rohail Hyatt said… nothing you idiots!
Rohail’s dead, he’s locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)
Trendy men love MM
*chigga chigga chigga* Momina fans, I’m sick of them
Look at them, browsing around liking her you-know-what
Stalking her instagram like you-know-who. “Yeah, but she’s so cute though!”
Yeah, I probably got a couple of magnets in my heart fuse
But not what’s going on in your heads you goody two shoes
Sometimes, I wanna get on twitter and just let loose, but can’t
But it’s cool for Hamza Abbassi to rant on facebook
“Every-thing is on your tips, Every-thing is on your tips”
And if you’re lucky, they might just get KA torrent fixed
And that’s the message that we deliver to little kids
And expect them not to know what poondi is
Of course they gonna know what truck ulatna is
By the time they hit fourth grade
They watch geo tv, don’t they?
“We ain’t nothing but animals..” Well, some of us are narcissistical
Who create drama just to make them look good
But if we can hype Justin’s tape and *dead animals
Then there’s no reason that a woman can’t wear a burkini top
But if you don’t feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Drop your phones, have a soul, sing the chorus and it goes
‘We’re the pindi boys, we’re the real pindi boys
All you other desi guys are just imitating
So won’t the real pindi boys please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?

So, will the real Pindi boys please stand up?
Ride you bikes like the wind, with front tire up
Pinky yellow pent shart with swag cap on top
Throw your number in a mercedes to find true love
And be proud to be outta your place and outta control
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?

‘We’re the pindi boys, yes we’re the real pindi boys
All you other desi guys are just imitating
So won’t the real pindi boys please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
Ha ha
Guess there’s a Pindi boy in all of us
let’s all stand up

________________________________

*Pretty girl= MM = Momina Mustehsan
*Dead animal = Haramber, the gorilla that got shot due to a careless mother